Coping With Anger
July 3rd, 2009
Strong emotions are natural, and it is unnatural not to feel strongly about some things. Some of the strongest feelings we have are love, anger, and hate. These feelings can be so strong that they actually cause physical changes to our bodies. For example, our blood pressure can increase and our muscles become tense. Anger comes from the belief that we do not like what is happening to us. This belief may or not be true, but if we believe it is true, we may become angry. How angry we become is a matter of choice, and no event will force us to lose control of our anger (see chapter 3, The ABCs of Feeling).
When we do not control our emotions, we may do something we later regret. A retired military man once told me that he was reminded of a past angry moment every time he received his retirement check. He did something when he was angry that prevented him from getting a promotion. The point is this: when you lose your temper, you always lose. The Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11) and “A quick-tempered man does foolish things” (Proverbs 14:17). We must control anger or it will control us. When anger controls us, we become vulnerable to sin and evil things. In ancient times, a city needed strong walls or it would be vulnerable to attack from its enemies. We become like a city without walls when we fail to control our emotions. “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control” (Proverbs 25:28).
J B Myers
Books:
Guidance and Coping
July 1st, 2009
The Bible says “a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Why is it wise to listen to advice? One reason is that we can learn from the mistakes of others without having to learn from our own. The wise counsel of friends, parents, and teachers provides us with guidance and encouragement during difficult times. However, the greatest source of strength and guidance come from the Bible. David says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Psalm 119:105).
Coping by faith means we conform our attitudes and behaviors to the standards found in God’s word. This sounds burdensome to most people, but God knows what is in our best interest and what will bring us the greatest happiness. Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me” and “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:29-30). Jesus is talking about the discipline of discipleship. The yoke of conforming our lives to the lifestyle of Christ requires commitment and discipline on our part, but the yoke of Christ is easier and better than the yoke of sin. Paul says, “Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?” (Romans 6:16). It is easy to see this principle at work in the lives ordinary people. For example, the yoke of addiction, crime, violence, and self-centeredness, is harder than the yoke of Christ. To see extreme examples of this principle, just visit your local prison, or read the parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-32). People in miserable conditions seldom begin their journey with the idea of winding up in a pig pen. Biblical beliefs and attitudes will help us cope with the most difficult of circumstances, and they will lead us to the greatest of happiness.
J B Myers
Books:
I Must Know the Cause of My Difficulties
June 24th, 2009
Sometimes, just knowing why bad things happen helps us to cope. If we know why something is happening, it may be that we can make changes for the better. If it is beyond our power to change what is happening, we may become more accepting than if we are uncertain of the causes of evil. Knowing why something happens also helps us learn important lessons from the experience.
The Bible tells us that time and chance are factors in some events and that we can be “trapped by evil times” (Ecclesiastes 9:11-12). The world that God created was not designed to shield us from all unpleasantness. For example, we can get sick and die or have terrible accidents. We should remember to pray that God will intervene in our lives to save us from evil. In the model prayer, Jesus said we should pray to be delivered from evil, or the evil one (Matthew 6:13).
We are the cause of many of the bad things that happen to us. If we do something bad we may go to jail or suffer in some other way. If we do not study in school, or prepare ourselves for the future, we may suffer because of a lack of training. If we do not take care of our bodies, we may suffer ill health. The Bible says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7). Sometimes, however, other people are responsible for bad things that happen to us. For example, Paul asks the church at Thessalonica to pray that he “may be delivered from wicked and evil men” (1 Thessalonians 3:2). Satan may be responsible for some evil things that happen to us, either directly or indirectly. Paul said that Satan prevented him from coming to see the brothers in Thessalonica (1 Thessalonians 2:18).
God may present us with challenges to test or refine our faith. For example, God told Moses about the daily manna he was going to give Israel. “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions” (Exodus 16:4). The daily bread in the wilderness was intended to be a faith building experience for Israel. At the end of their wanderings, Moses reminds them of the purpose of this experience. “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:3).
The Bible says “a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). The wise counsel of friends, parents, and teachers can provide us with information and encouragement. Our greatest source of faith and strength is the Bible. “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ” (Romans 10:17). Sometimes we need help in understanding the Bible. For example, the man from Ethiopia needed Philip to explain the words of Isaiah (Acts 8:26-39).
J B Myers
Books:
Coping by Faith
June 19th, 2009
The Bible says, “We live by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7). The Greek verb translated “live” literally means “walk,” and is used figuratively here and in other places to mean behave, live, or conduct one’s life. So, walking by faith means that we live our lives by faith. This includes the way we cope with negative events, strong feelings, and difficult circumstances. Having to cope with negative feelings and experiences develops maturity, discipline, and wisdom among those who follow biblical teaching.
Faith is how Christians cope with negative events. These events are sometimes called tests in Scripture. Coping by faith is how we pass the test, and this experience increases our faith for coping with future difficulties. For example, the Bible says that the testing of faith develops perseverance. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance” (James 1:2-3). Perseverance, and the Greek word behind this translation, includes the idea of endurance, patience, and steadfastness. Coping by faith produces other positive characteristics as well. For example, Paul says that we should “rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4). Notice that in both of these texts Christians are told to rejoice when experiencing a trial. This does not mean we are to grin and bear it, but that we should expect something positive from the experience. James 1:4 says, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” When we resist temptation and experience trials we can grow more than at any other time because we grow best under stress. Testing, however, is not the same as temptation. “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13). Trials and testing may come from God, but temptation always comes from the devil.
Faith should increase as we are tested, but people who view themselves as too fragile to resist strong feelings or endure negative events will likely fail the test. Just as gold is refined by fire, faith is proved genuine by experiencing tests and trials. The Bible says,
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:6-7)
The Bible is not saying we should desire bad things to happen to us, but that when they do, we can rejoice in knowing our faith is proved genuine by the experience. Trials will increase faith like the refining process produces precious metals. “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10). Going through trials gives roots and depth to our faith. Without this experience, we become like the seed that falls on rocky places. Because we have no roots, we quickly fall away when “trouble or persecution comes” (Matthew 13:21).
J B Myers
Books:
Express Your Feelings Constructively
June 10th, 2009
To deal with strong feelings we must learn to express them in such a way that does not hurt ourselves or others. When you tell someone, “I am angry” or “I am upset,” you let them know that you acknowledge and accept your strong feelings. Depersonalize feelings by using personal pronouns. Say, “I am upset” or “This situation is making me angry.” This lets people know that you are not personally attacking them even though they may have said or did something that upset you. The goal is to communicate your feelings in such a way that does not put the other person on the defensive. Also, it is easier to get someone to change their behavior when they do not feel they are being attacked.
When your feelings do not involve someone else, or if the person is not present, you may talk to yourself. Say to yourself what you cannot say to someone else, or express your feelings to a friend or someone who is supportive.
J B Myers
Books: