The Importance of Other People
By admin | August 19, 2008
The Importance of Other People
What would you do without other people? The Bible teaches that we are not designed to be alone (Genesis 2:18), and our common experience suggests that we have a great need for relationships with other people. Relationships often reflect the greatest source of pain and pleasure in our human experiences. What would it be like if you suddenly lost your closest friends and family? How would your life be defined as a result? Or, how would you feel if you were betrayed by a close friend or family member? The answers to these questions demonstrate just how painful relationships can be. On the other hand, think of the joy that relationships bring. Think of the benefits of associations like marriage, children, co-workers, and friends. Note the joy associated with school and family reunions, or church and social gatherings. Without these events and relationships, life has little meaning for most people.
The lack of human relationships produces loneliness. Loneliness occurs when we feel that we do not have as many or the right kinds of relationships as we would like. Being lonely, however, is not the same thing as being alone. Some people prefer more solitude than others, and most of us enjoy time alone occasionally, but a general lack of interest in relationships is not the same as the need to be alone. A small number of people do not value human relationships. Diagnostic criteria for Schizoid Personality Disorder indicates these people have a “pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings” (DSM IV, 697). These people are the exceptions to the rule and represent the low end of the scale on the need for human relationships. On the other end of the scale are people who are extremely dependent on human relationships. The eight diagnostic criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder can be summarized as an “excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation” (725). Dependent people feel uncomfortable or helpless when they are alone and they tend to exaggerate their need for relationships. Most of us lie somewhere between these two extremes.
There are many ways we can define ourselves, but the most important way is by our relationships. Ask people, “Who are you?” and the response may be, “I am a student, a teacher, a banker, a waitress,” and so on. These responses and job titles show that we can be defined by our jobs. Other responses are determined by national origin, “I am an American, a Mexican,” and so on. However, the earliest and most significant way we are defined is by our relationships with other people. The words to the 2001 country music hit, Who I Am, illustrate this point:
If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That’ll be alright
If I don’t make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I’m gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am
So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I’ll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am
As the song suggests, the most defining of our relationships is that of family—mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles. Our earliest and most influential relationship is the one we have with parents. They define us at a time when we are not mature enough to think differently about ourselves. They also provide a social environment that impacts the way we see ourselves. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents, and sometimes our parents make mistakes that impact us for the rest of our lives. Most parents, however, do their best to create good environments for their children and most children recognize that their parents are not perfect. Children eventually try to sort out the good and the bad in family relationships as they form their own self-identity. A failure to do so can create an unhealthy self-image that may stay with us for the rest of our lives.
We also have relationships with our broader family group—brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. These relationships can provide us with the social and cultural context that further shapes our view of ourselves and the world. For example, the Bible mentions the positive effect certain family relationships had on Timothy. Concerning Timothy, Paul said, “from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 3:15). Timothy’s faith was handed down from his grandmother Lois and his mother Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5). These passages reveal how God intends family relationships to influence us for good. The Bible says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Although the proverb states a general rule, there are exceptions. For example, God provided Adam and Eve with a perfect environment but they eventually chose to go the wrong way. So, children are free to choose their own way, but if we train or start them in the right direction, they tend to go that way.
Romantic relationships are more intense and personal than the family relationships described above. In creation, God designed the male and female aspects of humankind in order to enhance this kind of relationship. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). The male-female relationship finds ultimate fulfillment in marriage and this relationship takes precedence over other family relationships. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Friends are very important to most people and they influence how we view ourselves. Our friends are usually similar in age, background, and social status. They are important for socialization and we tend to conform to their expectations in order to be accepted. If we are not careful, however, friends can influence us in the wrong ways. For example, the Bible says, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
J B Myers
To order a copy of Faith and Addiction, go here.
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The Fanatical Zeal of AA
By admin | July 29, 2008
The Fanatical Zeal of AA
I argue that AA is more than a treatment theory, it is a religion. With many AA believers, however, it is not just a religion, it is a fanatical religion that does not allow deviation from the true faith. If you question AA and the Twelve Steps treatment theory, you are personally attacked. A recent comment serves as an example: “Have you ever thought about the alcoholics you have killed because of your teaching?” No, I never have. But I have thought about the many souls who continue in bondage to alcohol because of a theory that takes away their abilities to choose. Once you buy into the theory that you cannot behave differently, you will not behave differently. The closed-mindedness of many AA believers prevents them from seeing another point of view. This is why fanatical AA believers remind me of the global warming controversy. For example, Al Gore says the issue is settled and he does not want to discuss it anymore. But what if the computer models that demonstrate Al Gore’s belief are flawed? Instead, we should always be open to questioning our beliefs so that we can find the truth.
J B Myers
To order a copy of Faith and Addiction, go here.
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Mental Mistakes of Negative Thinking
By admin | July 9, 2008
The Mental Mistakes of Negative Thinking
The idea that if we change our thoughts we can change ourselves is the essence of cognitive psychology. For examples of this approach, see the books by Ellis (1997) and McMullin (2000). One of the most practical components of the cognitive approach to mental health is the identification and correction of errors in thinking. These mental mistakes are often called cognitive distortions because thinking has become exaggerated or distorted in some way. The following are some common mental mistakes that people make:
1) Catastrophizing. We make this mental mistake when we believe something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing gives negative interpretations to life experiences and eliminates alternative explanations that are positive. A good example of catastrophizing in the Bible is found in the story of the ten spies who brought back a negative report after they explored the land of Canaan. They said, “We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them” (Numbers 13:33). Notice that they minimized their own stature while believing they could read the minds of the people of Canaan. Joshua and Caleb, however, had a clearer picture of the situation. They said, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it” (Numbers 13:30).
2) Minimization. Whereas catastrophizing exaggerates negative things, minimization minimizes positive things. We can minimize the good we see in ourselves and others by magnifying any failure and discounting any good. Sometimes this is called mental filter because of the act of filtering out the good and only focusing on the negative. An example would be when a person misses only one question on a test but considers himself a failure because he missed that question rather than being proud of all the answers he got right. This is also called discounting the positive because positive experiences are being rejected as if they do not count.
3) All or Nothing. The all or nothing mistake looks at everything in black and white instead of recognizing that there may be shades of gray. An example of this thinking occurs when people believe that unless they are successful at one thing, they are a failure at everything. Another example is when a person will not be your friend unless he can be your best or most important friend.
4) Should, must, and ought fallacy. Words like should, must, or ought are often associated with all or nothing thinking. For example, while reflecting on a past event, we might say to ourselves, “I should have done better.” This is negative thinking because there is nothing that can be done to change the past. It also minimizes whatever good that may have been done at the time. Using words like should, must, and ought encourages unnecessary guilt when used in the context of unrealistic expectations. There is a place for guilt, and there are times when words like should, must, and ought are appropriate, but these words can be used excessively in ways that keep us depressed and defeated.
5) Labeling. When people attach negative labels to themselves, it tends to affect every aspect of their lives. If they make one mistake, they may label themselves by saying, “I am a loser.” In drug and alcohol addiction treatment, labeling often occurs when people repeat negative and self-defeating statements about themselves during treatment. Statements such as, “I am a drug addict” or “I cannot control my drinking” are examples of labeling. Once addicts accept the label, they tend to justify their drug and alcohol abuse by repeating the label.
6) Jumping to conclusions. People jump to conclusions when they interpret events negatively even though there is little or no evidence to support their conclusions. This is a mental mistake because they are reaching a conclusion before they have all the facts. In conversations, it requires us to read the minds of others. In events, it requires us to foretell the future. For example, we may jump to a conclusion when we believe that someone is intent on hurting us even though we do not have all the facts.
J B Myers
To order a copy of Faith and Addiction, go here.
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Talking to Yourself
By admin | July 2, 2008
Talking to Yourself
I once thought talking to yourself was unhealthy, but it is normal to say things to yourself as you experience life. It is not that we talk to ourselves, but what we say that is important to happiness. Self-talk occurs when thoughts flood into our minds unexpectedly as we go through the events of the day. Self-talk is an inner conversation that we have with ourselves to explain life events. The story of Naaman in the Bible illustrates how this process works. Naaman’s self-talk caused him to respond in anger when the prophet failed to come out of his house and greet him. Naaman said, “I thought he would surely come out to me…” (2 Kings 5:11). Naaman was unnecessarily offended because of what he said to himself. Just like Naaman, we also have a running commentary that takes place in our minds each time we experience a life event. These comments determine our perceptions of things as well as our responses.
Self-talk can be beneficial when it helps us accomplish daily tasks. For example, we can use our inner voice to remind ourselves to run an errand or prepare for a test. Self-talk can help us work through the necessary steps needed to accomplish difficult tasks. Some people are benefited when they vocalize their self-talk, and there is nothing wrong with talking out loud to ourselves as long as it is socially appropriate. Vocalization reinforces the thoughts we have and encourages us to follow through at the appropriate time.
While positive self-talk can give us confidence to meet the challenges of life, negative self-talk can discourage and depress us. Negative comments can flood our thinking each time we face some new challenge. For example, we may say to ourselves: “I am going to fail,” “I am not smart enough,” or “Others will think I am a fool.” By listening to our negative inner voice, we allow negative thinking to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thoughts can appear to be automatic as they instantly flood in our minds when something happens to us, but they are actually based on our beliefs. For example, if we walk in a room where other people are present, we may think, “I am about to make a fool of myself.” In order to discover why we say these things to ourselves, we must first examine the conscious and subconscious beliefs that are causing the thoughts. For example, the automatic thought, “I am about to make a fool of myself,” reflects a negative self-image in the conscious or subconscious mind (see chapter 2). A positive self-image would have produce a different kind of automatic thought, such as, “I look forward to meeting these people.”
Where do we get these negative thoughts? Sometimes they come from those who are closest to us, like our parents and friends. For example, if a parent tells a child, “You are not smart enough to go to college,” the child may form a belief that corresponds to the parent’s statement. If the child goes to college anyway, and then encounters difficulty in one course, he may say to himself, “I knew I was not college material.” Although this thought seems to appear automatically, it is actually the result of a belief formed long ago based on the parent’s statement. By saying this to himself, the student may give up and withdraw from college. In the student’s mind, the difficulty in taking one course confirmed the parent’s earlier statement. So, why do people allow others to define themselves in this way? In the case of children, it is because they are not mature enough to evaluate the negative statements of others. Once the statement is accepted and the negative core belief is formed, then automatic thoughts based on that belief will follow.
Some people become frustrated because they cannot stop their automatic thoughts. The goal, however, should not be to stop the thoughts but to change the beliefs that produce them. It is important to form beliefs about ourselves that are both positive and realistic. Positive thoughts that are unrealistic can be just as damaging as negative thoughts based on false beliefs about ourselves. For example, if you are not good at math, it is unrealistic to think you will do well in advanced math courses in college. We cannot just look in the mirror and say, “I am great in math,” and then expect to succeed. This leads to unnecessary discouragement, frustration, and failure. Instead, one should formulate a more realistic and yet positive belief, such as, “Although I do not have a good math aptitude, I can be successful in another field of study.” In this way, you can learn to control the kinds of thoughts that come into your mind. The goal is to become the master of our thoughts rather than being mastered by them, as Paul says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).
J B Myers
To order a copy of Faith and Addiction, go here.
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Should We Legalize Drugs?
By admin | June 24, 2008
I am ambivalent when it comes to this subject; that is, I have strong feelings for and against legalizing all drugs. I would have more feelings against legalization if I thought the approach we are now taking in this country was working. The criminalization of drug use has not reduced the consumption of illegal drugs as society had hoped. My work among the prison population has convinced me of the futility of our present war on drugs. We are currently incarcerating large numbers of people at great expense to prevent them from harming themselves. I can see laws against driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol because this harms others, but it is hard to explain why personal drug use deserves the severe penalties that society chooses to impose on those who choose to behave this way. It is as if we are trying to save people from themselves by punishing them for bad behavior.
In this nation, there will always be people who will use and abuse the drugs that are now illegal. If we legalize these drugs, I am sure they will use more of them. But drug use is not contagious or irresistible, and all this means is that the people who are going to abuse drugs anyway will have an easier time getting the drugs they want.
I find it difficult to answer many of the issues raised in favor of drug legalization. If you have never really heard the other side of this question, see the short video by Milton Freedman here or read the recent article by John Stossel here. For a balanced discussion of this issue, see the book edited by Jeffrey Schaler (Drugs: Should we Legalize, Decriminalize or Deregulate?, 1998).
J B Myers
To order a copy of Faith and Addiction, go here.
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